I Know Pain. But Now, it's Time to Taste Joy.

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A new chapter. All the words aren't written yet. And that feels really good. 

The fresh plume of possibility waves around in the air, like a multifaceted kite that captures every color, like a crystal refracting in all directions. 

Time as space are pliable. 

And the past is, too--it is not stagnant, or fused to any particular story.  That's the great thing about being human: I get to decide what it means. 

And in giving meaning, healing happens. 

Because I am not defined by any terrible thing that happened to me--

No. 

My soul defines me. My essence. The uproarious glitter inside. 

And I am. 

And I am. 

And I am. 

And I tumble into this sweet space that drips, plush, with knowing like dew on ferns in the early morning light. 

Like salt on skin. 

Like desire on plump, loving lips. 

Lustrous, it is. 

And I am lustrous, too. 

And I know this. 

So I land here. 

This brand-new space lights up like a lantern inside me. I trust it. The tinged-orange glow bathes me completely, as I saunter slowly away from all doubt. And disbelief. 

For it is hard to believe in these words sometimes. That they matter. That they are anything. 

But they lead me by way of twisting, sun-washed roads that are lush with old oaks--to somewhere deeper. 

Far beyond the skin. 

A complete renewal. 

360 degree views. 

And the big reveal behind the cobweb curtain of the past...

There is more to life than pain. 

I never used to believe that.

Now,

There are so many flavors to taste! 

I know pain. 

Now, I'm at a colorful ice cream shop at the beach, my skin reddened by a day spent soaking in the sea. And I'm ready to taste something else. Cherry, raspberry, or butter pecan....

I know misery. I know it like the back of my hand. 

I know what it is to struggle. To want to give up. For each day to seem like an impossible, circus-like feat to get through. 

But now, I'm ready for mango sorbet to drip down my chin, decadently. 

I am ready for delight. Wonder. Truth. To answer to the incredible, sparkling mystery of life. I am ready for pleasure, enjoyment, and laughter as loud as crackling thunder and rain. 

And I'm grateful for the flavors of suffering I've tasted. They've humbled me, softened me. They have formed me, sanded me down and now I can better understand myself and care about others, with a true heart. I am wiser, now. More resilient than ever. 

And this life can be tough, rough, imperfect---but it is also lush. It fans out before me like peacock feathers. 

Bright, mysterious, beautiful. 

I am on the way to somewhere else--because I don't need to live in pain forever. And I won't. I know that is not my destiny. 

I am heading towards beauty, walking there, taking my time, taking in the blooms and the scents of the late-Summer air. 

I am catapulting into the sweet fires of creativity that ignite in my belly and paint me with the radiance of the stars. 

I sip life seamlessly

And die to the love that pulses in my veins. 

Oceans drip from my lungs. 

I am a mermaid, come back to life, from the darkest depths. 

Blessings. 

That's what my life tastes like now. That's what I deserve. And that's what I want more of. 

After being dipped in poison--I sparkle in the sunlight. 

I sweat diamonds. 

I turn old rage into peals. 

And I am a woman. 

And I am not so angry as I was, before. 

Joy sings--and I do this really bold thing, that maybe I've never done before---

I respond. 

'Yes!' I shout, with glee. 

For I am. 

And I am. 

And I am. 

Nothing can ruin me. Everything is heal-able. My truest self never left me. And she never will. 

She is here, by my side, more grounded than ever--cheering me on, with all the passion of a wildfire, with the exuberance of thirty children running around on a playground after school. 

So I keep going. Even thought it also feels shaky, tender, vulnerable, and scary sometimes. 

This is my new chapter. All the words aren't written yet. 

I savor the thousand fragrances of fresh, glistening possibility. 

And it feels really good. 

 

 

Photo: Unplash