I Didn't Know I Could Love like This.


It’s twilight. The curtain of day fades, painted with a final burst of tangerine and violet. Then, the sky and I are greeted by the inky cloak of night.

But for this brief moment, I am suspended in half light, half dark—a leg in both worlds. And I love it.

It takes me…somewhere. I dive.

And I reflect back, not even 7 months ago to when it was winter, coming alive to Spring.

And I was wanting love. Oh, I was wanting love so badly. But I didn’t really believe I could have it. I was still in the darkness and turmoil of my own inner process of a love that had turned toxic and sour.

I remember many heart-wrenching nights alone, feeling lost, left behind in the dust, with the running caption of “I’m not good enough” played over and over again in my head in all caps.

I love the way life gives us gifts exactly when we need them. Because I really needed to climb out of the darkness, to taste the bright, fragrant buds of Spring in my heart. I needed renew the possibility of joy. I needed to smell hope again.

I needed sweetness.

And there you were.

Oh, my darling.

And I did so much work before I met you. I catapulted through shadows and faced my inner demons. They roared fiercely, because of the delicate tenderness of past traumas and fears. I sat by the volcanos and hollowed-out spaces of grief. I learned to be with myself in the darkest of dark hours.

It was brutal sometimes. But through the grit, I rose and find new meaning, a new source of empowerment within myself.

I needed sweetness.

And there you were.

I love how you appeared gently, how we took things slow, and let our love bloom and heat up with the earth.

Now, it is Autumn and sure, we’ve had a few up’s and down’s—but I am utterly smitten.

As the layers peel back, I have dared to bare my soul and open my heart.

I have never loved like this—where the love oozes out through my every pore, it almost knocks the wind out of me. It leaves me breathless, as my lungs expand, filling with fresh, new air.

I smell pine trees and the delicious, thick bases of ancient conifers.

I bathe, I marinate in the magic of it all.

I have never loved like this—where every part of me is in agreement, even the scared and shy and weird ones.

And this love roars like waves and it sparks a gentle fire in the depths of my toes, my eyes, my belly.

This love is changing me.  

And it’s not perfect. But I’m not lost in a fantasy.

It’s a new and delicious sense of security, because are doing this together. Creating this, with our combined hearts and hands.

I didn’t know I could love so deeply.

Now, my walls have crumbled down, brick by brick, and my skin is raw and exposed, touching the crisp, sweetly warm Autumn sunlight on my cheeks.  

No longer hidden in shadows

Free and dancing in the sunlight as we pick apples and laugh and sip green tea

I have never loved like this—and it is amazing.

It feels like flying, but for my heart.

And yes, I do get fearful

But this love is a blessing.

So I sit still and let the blessing drip down me, as my tears do, into the salt lake of my heart.  

I love you.  

And I never expected this. Though, if I’m really honest, the less skeptical parts of me always believed it was true—

Where I could love so deeply that I am brought to tears.

I crash and coast with the waves as they crash on the shore of my heart—as they crash upon yours, too.

And I am free to be me.

To wander, to speak, to roam, to create, to dance.  

To go, to come, to leave, to stay.

You give me so much room to be me.

And it is my pleasure, darling, to do the same for you.  

And we are so different. We don’t agree on everything, that’s for sure.

But there is so much love.

There is so much respect. Joy. Trust. Loyalty.

I ride the turquoise sweetness of the current

Expanding into the ocean of the evening

Into the vast universe of everything.

I love you.

And I have never loved like this, though I always wanted to.

And now it’s Autumn, and I am utterly smitten, my darling.

It’s the way you touch me when I’m sick with a terrible flu, rubbing my back until I fall asleep and making me homemade chicken soup. It’s the way you look at me like there is nowhere in the world you’d rather be. It’s all the things you do to make me smile.  

And I am doing it—

What I thought I couldn’t

I am letting love in.

I am letting you in

In the right ways.

And yes, sometimes it’s scary to do that, to be this vulnerable.

But mostly, it feels amazing.

Sweet. Uplifting. Delightful. Inspiring. Peaceful. Freeing.

And yes, sometimes, because your love is precious, like gold—it drips into the spaces inside that still hold the imprints and echoes of the traumas and wounds.  

And yes, sometimes we argue.

But you are the earth I return to, and as I do—like clouds to water vapor, I become the sea and crash upon you.  

It feels so good.

It feels so like me.

It’s the sense that there is someone to come home to—no matter what.

An anchor. A lover.

Someone to keep me safe.

And heck yes, I can do that on my own.

But sometimes, it’s nice to not have to.

Because I needed sweetness.

And there you were.

Photo: Unsplash