I wake up in a panic, like I often do these days.
I sit, holding my breath, waiting for my life to come together in an instant, in one big flash.
I wait for all the puzzle-like pieces to fit together in a satisfying, cardboard snap.
I am scared shitless, teetering on the banks of familiarity, yet being pushed deeper into the vast currents of the unknown.
And in some moments, I don’t know if i’m up for the task.
It’s too much, and I am too small.
So I lay, floating in the water with my eyes closed, wishing I was somewhere else, praying from relief.
But the wind picks up and blows me out to sea.
The waves are wild, the current is tenacious.
But this is what I wanted—this is what I’ve risked everything for. This shift, this incredible initiation, this stepping into power, this transforming.
The ocean in beautiful and terrifying.
I feel so alone, the loneliness pulses like ice in my veins.
But I am called to swim.
Frozen, I moan and say that I can’t move. My lips tremble, my bones are heavy, I can’t move.
But that isn’t true.
My heart thumps wildly inside me, I am alive.
I am fire.
I feel the wild heat of my passion, the only thing in me just as intense as the fear.
I can do this.
I have to.
Fresh tears pour down my face now, for this knowing doesn’t take away the utter terror of the great unknown I face.
I am so afraid.
But that’s part of it.
That’s what makes it's a big deal. That’s what makes me brave. That’s also what makes this amazing.
I soften for a moment till my tense, balled-up muscles melt into a mild relax---and I realize that the sun is shining.
I didn’t notice that before.
The sun is shining, and it warms my skin, the whole world cast in a milky, golden haze.
The waves bat and break on my skin.
Salt. And hope. And me.
I am alive.
The passion in my heart thumps louder, and louder and louder I am no longer able to be silent.
I am no longer able to hide.
I am no longer able to let fear be my guide.
The passion melts away everything else.
I am no longer a girl, but a spark, a smoldering flame cast out to sea.
And I don’t have all the answers yet.
I don’t have complete clarity.
But it’s coming.
I trust that.
And I can care for myself tenderly, as the future reveals itself, the currents dancing wildly with me, as tiny fish nibble on my feet.
And so the rhythm of these words, like waves, begins to release the fear.
I’m trembling, still.
But I can taste the sun.
I can see my brightness, the incredible rays of my strength and talent.
This is what fear has obscured for so long—the ability to see who I am.
But I begin to see, now.
I see not the distorted reflection my pain and doubt has use to distract me, but I see my truth, my soul, my phoenix heart, my ability to create all I need.
And clarity comes, not in the quick, sudden, perfect way I wish.
But it comes in the subtle edging of light like a sunrise.
I lay still and let myself be illuminated.