Tonight, I couldn't help it.
The rain pittered and pattered, and I watched and listened.
Sometimes with rain, comes this romantic, wistful sort of longing. I could get lost in that longing forever. It's like a space between all the things I should do, all that I should be. It's a gap. A gossamer, dream-like place to perch and pause and soak in the mystery of life. And so I did.
Perhaps it's a place where magic happens.
That old, familiar longing came sweet and suddenly, so warm and welcome, like felt like being bathed in caramel. But I felt it even more intensely, as though it had developed a new texture...
And I felt this thing, so palpable, almost alive, blowing on my cheek. Whispering seductively to me...
It was the overwhelming feeling of possibility.
It was like suddenly--BAM!--brand new space opened up inside of me.
An entire universe, unearthed.
All the dead leaves and withered branches in my inner landscape I had accumulated over the years--poof!--dissolved into dust and blew away in the cool mist of the ether.
All the heavy muck of burdens and muddy over-repsonsibility I've carried silently on my shoulders---it momentarily dissipated.
New bright green leaves where only limp, dead grass has been.
Perhaps even a great, giant loneliness.
And yet, this made me so happy.
Because it was the freedom in flirting with what's possible.
It was the distinct, yummy feeling that I don't have to settle for anything anymore. The feeling that the way I've been operating, allowing people in my life that don't respect my boundaries---people who don't or can't see me, or love me for who I am, the ones who don't quite believe in me--they no longer have a place in my heart.
The universe is vast and full of stardust, and so am I.
I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I'm downright exhausted being this small, careful thing that accepts scraps of love just to get by, not saying or fully honoring what I need. I'm done acting like someone who isn't worthy; who doesn't deserve beautiful things. I'm finished being okay with a grey existence, because deep down, I know I meant to live in the most vibrant color.
So in the softness of the rain, I opened.
And this wide open space--it was trembling and wild with desire. It was unapologetic. It was fierce. It was volcanic. It was feminine and cat-eyed. It was like tectonic plates inside me shifted to reveal this whole underneath, underground, subterranean space that glows with the purity of my heart's intention--and the bold, badassery to back it all up in action:
A place that wants. That needs. And isn't afraid to stand up for those wants and needs.
A place that is fire.
A space that is ripe for blooming.
A space that knows. And trusts that knowing.
A space that wishes to be protected
So my heart
Can activate my life.
So my life can be infused with the intense flavor of who I really am.
The rain stops. Silence permeates. I pause and raise a candle to this breath.
There is only one thing to do: honor myself.
That is ever present. That is always the choice I must make.
There is no turning back now.
I must light the way forward with the unwavering flame of my desire. With my truth. With my passion. With my soul. With my voice.
This is the choice I must always make.
All I taste in my mouth are possibilities, flushing out like a bouquet of wildflowers, messy and purple and bright yellow and perfect.
My world expands, because I expand.
I let beauty in.
I let pain out.
All I taste is the sweet blush of possibility.
And the burning desire