A few nights ago, I looked in the mirror and I thought “Wow, I look like shit!”
And then I smiled and thought—yeah I do look like shit. I look real. I’m steeped in the shakiness of my process. I AM exhausted. I AM scared.
I celebrate it.
I wanna get my hands dirty.
I wanna keep going.
Aside from the dark circles and fear, I see fire in my eyes. I see strength. I see curiosity. I see fire. I see soul, about to pop to the surface.
I celebrate it all!
Many times before, I’ve stopped when I'v gotten close to my truth, to my deepest aching wounds because I became so goddamn scared I could't handle it. In those moments, I've often sprinted back to where it’s familiar and less naked and less unknown and less shaky and less vulnerable.
Today I say, so what?
Bring it on!
That tenderness is all part of the process.
And this is what working on ourselves looks like. This is what transformation looks like---dark circles, unwashed hair, naked skin, naked soul, trembling lips, tears about to pour, messy thoughts, a dark cloud of fear—and a delicious ray of curiosity sparkling in our eyes like stubborn stars.
I know we like to think that diving into our hearts and swimming in the depths of souls will be fun and yummy, like unwrapping candy, like splashing in a sea of love and colorful silk scarves, like catching stardust on our tongues.
And sure, it can be like that. Uncovering truth can be gentle as a feathery Summer breeze. Subtle as the sweet scent of lilacs in the air on a balmy star-speckled evening. But it's also brutal---
That’s why we stop. We get scared. We don’t want to go deeper.
But we have to go to the places inside we don’t want to go. We have to look inside the secret boxes of pain that ache. We have to dive inside and be so insanely honest that it hurts.
In that pain, there will the sweetest relief.
Don’t work on yourself halfway.
Commit fiercely the process. Commit tenderly the growth of your heart, to the unfurling of your magnificent soul.
Peer deeper and get scared and look harder and keep going.
Do you know how strong you are, how much you can withstand?
And on the days where it gets terrible and dark, bask in it. Know that it’s luscious. Know that you’re shooting up through layers and layers of bullshit, so yeah—it might get dark.
But when you rise, when you bloom, when you burst wide open---
It won’t pretty.
It will be the most beautiful fucking thing in the world.