This Year, I Felt it All.

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This year, phew.  

I exhale through pursed lips as my breath creates a welcome breeze. My body finds solace in this subtle release. 

It was so much. 

There are precisely no words. None. 

So tears form instead

And they rain

In the form of emotions and thunder and storms and love and sweet, dewy blossoms  

This is the year I became whole again. 

I didn’t realize that my fragments could become something fresh—that the ripped parts of me could fit together again.  

I didn’t realize I could actually feel good again.

This year, 

I learned how to be. 

I learned how to breathe, how to be brave, how to break old patterns.

I learned how to take leaps forward and trust myself in a completely new way.

I was a snake—and I shed my skin and shed it and shed it

Left naked, exposed, wild, writhing, free---

And whole.

Only I remained. 

All else evaporated, turned to dust and peeled away. 

I understand it. 

It is in my bones. 

I felt anger, sorrow, fear, joy, love, loss, confusion, betrayal, expansion, doubt, and more. 

I composted the shit to become wisdom. 

And there sure was a lot of shit.  

But this is how I mark a good year—I felt it all.

Because that is who I am. 

It is deeply integral to my being—the fibers and filaments that might be unseen, but hold me together with breathless magic. 

And so the tears rain some more. Yes, I finally concede and sweetly embrace being a sensitive, gushing soul. I can’t help it. And I don’t want to.

Because now, there is all this room around me—room that I did not have last year at this time.  

There is this lightning-like life force and energy buzzing inside of me, that I did not have last year at this time. 

There is trust. 

There is the budding beginning of deeply rooting faith. 

There is something raw and muddy and new…

There is me, more firmly within myself—with delicious edges and firm boundaries. 

It is simple. 

This year, I learned how to be. 

I learned that I don’t have to put up such a well-crafted façade.

That the more naked I am, the more delicious life is—

The more human I let myself be, the more wonderful it all is. 

I learned how to be in quiet. 

I learned how to receive. 

I learned how to be loved by a man who is gentle and shines with integrity.  

I learned the beauty in my own company.

I learned what I am worth.

I learned and I learned and I learned. 

 It was exhausting at times. 

Now, it is the time to pause—

To steep in this wisdom

And let it soak thoroughly into me

Muscle by muscle, bone by bone 

All of my cells marinate in this

This new 

Fullness. 

There is nothing left to prove.

It’s simple.

I am here. 

I am strong. 

 I am soft. 

I am held. 

I

Am

Me. 

This year, I felt it all. 

This year, I softened.

This year, I became even more human. 

And that is how I mark it as a wildly, vividly nourishing passage of 365 days.

It was messy, it was challenging, it was tender and enlivening. 

And next year—well, I hope to feel some more.  

I hope to soften some more.

I hope to open more, to live from the wildest depths of my heart with even more passion, even more joy, even more care. 

And I pray to laugh with every bone in my body and let tears of joy gush from my eyes like rivers unseen